Common Sense

Livin' the dream with hakuna matata!

In Limbo

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“Wait (v): Remain, expecting something.”

This is my senior year, the year growing up that I pinpointed as being the end of my childhood and final stop before leaving my home forever.

I’m not so sure why I thought that once I was handed that diploma that my life would be flipped completely and I would find myself in some big city, pursuing some grand dream. I just always did.

For the last 11 years of my life I’ve felt like I’ve always been waiting for something, the day I could take my training wheels off, the day I was old enough to go to sleepovers, get my license, take a theater class, and now…finish high school.

But I find myself in a place now that I can’t honestly say I like.

I’m still waiting, but this time it’s for something I can’t articulate.

Yes, I want to finish high school, but then what?

I’m getting the “What are you gonna do with your life?” question regularly and I have no answer to it. What am I supposed to say,”After high school I’m going to community college”?

Lame.

Contentment has always been difficult for me and I believe I’ve mentioned that on here before. Stuck is the word that keeps coming to mind and sometimes it seems like contentment and being stuck come hand in hand.

I can’t finish high school today and I can’t go to college tomorrow. I can’t pack up my room and move away next week. I can’t grow up today. I can’t move on to the next step in my life because I have to wait.

It feels like I’m pushing up against this wall, one that I can’t climb over or go around…I just have to wait for it to fall down.

A lot of days I wake up with this sick feeling, one that doesn’t have anything to do with the 37,000 Mike n Ike’s I ate the night before. It’s this feeling of being in limbo. I’m trying to pray and ask God for clarity and contentment, but so far He’s chosen not to give it to me. That’s ok! I know He will someday…but I’m learning more and more that His will is often revealed in hindsight.

So I just need to wait.

While I feel like I’m ready for the next step, whatever step that might be, sometimes I think…..um. no. you are not. I question whether I’m mature enough….have I grown up enough during the last few years to even be ready for what’s next? Maybe God hasn’t opened any doors because I need to develop some ability or character quality more fully. But which one? All of them?

Frankly, I feel like I’m going out of my mind.

But if you think you’re insane doesn’t that mean you’re not insane?

Or if you think you’re insane when you really are insane doesn’t that just mean that you’ve broken the fourth wall?

Wait, what is the fourth wall?

Is it broken?

…………………………………………………………………………………I need a hobby.

As the youngest, I’ve always felt like I was behind. Like, I need to be at this certain place in my life because that’s where Hannah is or I need to have that particular level of maturity because that’s how Jesse is. But I often forget, that’s not where I am. God hasn’t called me on the same path that my siblings are on. My life is going to look at lot different from theirs.

brandy-melville-usa

I need to be content.

I need to stop putting so much stock in my feelings and just do school, work, and eat mike n ikes. 😀

God will show me where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be doing.

I just have to wait.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Thank you for listening to my thoughts, did any of them make sense? Probably not.

This blog is basically my journal so I’m sorry if you got lost in the airing out of my mind….or what’s left of it.

Have a very happy halloween, and don’t go into the woods with any clowns.

~Susanna

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4 thoughts on “In Limbo

  1. Wise words kid. can I call you kid? Im going to call you kid. In my life, I’ve haven’t found that thing or path that makes me content. I find moments. If I start thinking about the big picture too much I just get discouraged that I’m 26 and still dont have things figured out. Sometimes you just need to tell yourself, today Im eating Mike and Ikes and that is all Im doing and I freaking love them. You should read up on Mindfulness I think you would appreciate the concept.

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  2. Susanna, I’m proud of you and the way you think deeply and want to follow God’s leading. You’re right that we cannot know our futures; we can’t even know what’s to happen in the next hour. But that’s what makes life exciting. God holds the future, and He is good and does good. Love Him with all your heart, and He will take you on an adventure that you can’t even imagine right now! That’s not just a cliche; it’s what I’ve experienced. And remember, it’s not so much what we do in life; it’s what we become. I like what you’re becoming!

    I appreciate Cody’s encouragement to you, in the past and through her recent comment. I know the concept of Mindfulness is a Buddhist practice, but if Cody is referring to meditation on the Word and on Truth, then I’m all for that. 🙂

    Love you!

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